


Reason 42,876 Why You Can't Take Time Lords Anywhere

by LizBee



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-25
Updated: 2008-10-25
Packaged: 2017-10-02 14:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizBee/pseuds/LizBee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If they're not making sexual advances to aliens, they're almost certainly causing explosions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reason 42,876 Why You Can't Take Time Lords Anywhere

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was co-written with Nostalgia. As soon as she gets an account here, I'll update the authorship info accordingly.

"I don't mean to pry," said Romana, "but is that a tactile appendage or a sexual organ?"

The Ambassador for Squidonius Prime replied in his native language. At length. Much waving of tentacles was involved.

"Seriously, Romana," the Doctor murmured as he took her by the waist and led her away, making vague apologies and excuses to the Ambassador, "I thought you were the diplomatic one and I was the well-meaning idiot?"

"I thought it was more polite to ask than to stare openly like you were."

"I was not staring!" he ejaculated.

"If it _was_ a sexual organ you were copulating with your eyes."

"Jealous?" said the Doctor. Fearing a slap, he rushed on, "at least my interest is purely scientific."

Romana raised her eyebrows.

"I'm not the one who took those tri-phasic semi-corporeal clone-siblings to bed," he pointed out. "I nearly tripped over my scarf when I walked in on you."

"Erato seemed awfully fond of _you_," Romana murmured, grabbing a canape from a passing wait-being. "But I forgot, you're prejudiced against the non-humanoid."

"I -- I am not! I mean, some of my best friends are--" He dropped his voice. "The TARDIS and I are very close, I'll have you know."

"Oh, is that what all those moans I heard in the console room were about? I thought you were running a diagnostic, not -- erm, running a diagnostic."

"Remind me never to introduce you to Captain Jack," said the Doctor, reaching for more champagne.

"Jack Harkness?" said Romana. "I've had him. He's rubbish."

The Doctor spat out his champagne. All over Romana.

"Now look what you've done. Really, Doctor, I can't take you anywhere." She wiped at her dress with the end of his tie. Mostly she was just spreading champagne around her breasts, which made the Doctor's trousers a lot tighter all of a sudden.

He reclaimed his tie. "I spent _years_ trying not to shag Jack Harkness and you... you go and give him some of that good old Gallifreyan loving. I'll never hear the end of it."

"He wasn't very good."

"I mean from him. I've spent _ages_ trying to build Time Lord sex up as the most amazing thing in the universe, something holy and breath-taking that he'll never experience."

"You're not that good either."

"He doesn't know that!"

"I, on the other hand," she gave him a bright smile, "am rather brilliant."

"I've always said so."

"So you can be sure I gave poor Jack a proper seeing-to. I can't remember which planet we were on at the time, but it moved."

"I suppose I should thank you for saving my sexual reputation."

She patted his arm. "It's hardly the first time, Doctor."

"It's not that I sleep around, it's just that I like to feel _wanted_. Emotionally, for the most part, but barely-controlled lust is nice on occasion."

She looked him up and down. "I can see why you have to cultivate a mystique for that."

"This body's gorgeous! People keep telling me how sexy I am! Sometimes I have to peel them off me!"

"Literally?"

"There was an ... incident. On Regis Twelve. I ... don't like to talk about it."

"Oh yes, I've been there. Terribly friendly locals."

"Very."

"Not overly fond of clothing, either."

"No."

"Tactile, too."

"I remember," said the Doctor, in a tone that implied he'd rather not.

"Of course, they do have the most arcane set of unspoken regulations surrounding actual sexual contact."

"Yes," said the Doctor through gritted teeth.

"How long were you--?"

"Two days," he said, "while Martha sorted out the misunderstanding, and then she said I didn't deserve it, and wouldn't speak to me for ages."

"Clever girl."

"You'd like her," the Doctor said. "But you're not allowed to have sex with her. She's already partnered, plus, if you keep shagging my friends, it'll make all my parties really awkward."

"Weirder than the one where you turned up drunk from your own future and sang that song about Omega and the four-and-twenty virgins?"

"I don't have sex with all _your_ friends."

"I've been in another universe, it's not like you had much of an opportunity."

The Doctor frowned. "Really though, a lion? You left me for a _lion_?"

Romana sighed. "Not this again."

The Doctor sniffed. "I'm sure his fur was very... furry."

"Oh, it was! I used to wake up wrapped in furry delight!"

"And now you want my Martha _as well_. It's not fair."

"How is she at oral sex?" Romana asked, mildly disconcerting a passing society matron.

The Doctor muttered something vague.

"So ... you didn't when you had the chance, and now she's left you and wouldn't want to?"

"That's about the sum of it, yeah."

"You're the most pathetic excuse for a Time Lord the universe has seen."

"Are you about to say that I'm a bad retrograde and need to be punished?" said the Doctor hopefully.

"I was," Romana admitted, "but I think the rebels disguised as catering staff are about to assassinate the Serving Monarch, and we should probably stop them."

"Am I in favour of hereditary monarchy?" the Doctor wondered. "I don't think I am, really."

"I'm not, but I'm less in favour of hereditary monarchs in small pieces that someone has to clean up."

"Do you think Jack gives good head?"

"_Doctor_, there are more important things to worry about right now."

"It's just... he has a really big mouth. And he moves his tongue so much when he talks."

"Give me the sonic screwdriver." She held out a hand expectantly.

"It's not that I _want_ to have sex with him, it's just something to wonder about. A mystery."

Romana turned him towards her and reached into one of his pockets.

He moaned quietly. "Blimey, you're a bit frisky."

"I take it that wasn't the sonic screwdriver." She examined his jacket pockets instead.

"Are you in heat?" He sniffed her in a way he probably thought was subtle.

"Would you like me to give you to the terrorists?" Romana asked.

"...No thank you," said the Doctor.

"Ah," Romana withdrew the sonic screwdriver from the inner pocket of his jacket, gave him a broad smile and a swift kiss on the lips, and went to save the world.

"Mate," said a passing waiter, "you are way out of your league with that one."

"She shags lions. She's leosexual." The Doctor looked the waiter up and down as a series of small explosions rocked the room. Neat beard, sensible shoes, didn't look at all like a psychopath. "How would you feel about packing it all in for a trip through space and time?"

"I'm not gay."

"Are you sure? I've got a really big-"

"I think we should leave," said Romana, catching him by the arm and dragging him away from his one true love.

"You're very sexy when you're jealous."

"I may have caused a small diplomatic incident."

"Small like a kitten or small like Asia?"

"A small inland sea at most."

"I was about to hook up with that waiter!" he said as they ran for the TARDIS.

"And I was about to start flirting outrageously with the Serving Monarch, but no one ever said life was fair."

The TARDIS doors slammed behind them, right before the parade of guards, terrorists, planetary leaders and potential sexual partners caught up with them. Romana set co-ordinates, and the Doctor threw the dematerialisation switch, and they were off.

"Well," said the Doctor cheerfully, "where should we go next? Poosh? The outer rings of Draston Six? Earth?" He paused. "Why are you taking my pants off?"

"Because, despite your numerous shortcomings, I want to have sex with you," Romana explained.

Then they did sex.  It was fantastic.

 

THE END


End file.
